The Sparkles Disorder
by glamorouspirate
Summary: Barney was suffering, fighting the monstrous disease that came to be known as the Sparkles Disorder. And it all stemmed from those stupid, utterly ridiculous Ted Mosby Syndromes...


"I choose bimbo's," you announce decisively. You don't have to continue into much more detail before Lily is shaking her head at you and letting herself out of your apartment.

There were so many reasons for that one sentence, and you _had_ thought about the repercussions of it; sure, Lily was probably pissed off at you, but that eventual outcome was far better than the alternatives.

Lily would tell Marshall – that was a given – Marshall would tell Ted. You didn't want to lose Ted as a friend again. And Robin…well, what was the point of choosing Robin over bimbos if there was no chance in hell that she was ever going to want you?

You didn't want to be 'that guy' to her, but she'd known you for too long, she knew you as the sleazy guy who planned out pick-up lines just so you could pick up a bimbo to have a one-night-stand with and kick out in the morning. You were 'that guy' to her, and that wasn't ever going to change.

You were never going to be good enough for a woman like Robin Scherbatsky, and that was a fact. At least now, Lily was going to discard this whole "in love with Robin" thing and nothing else was ever going to be said about it, especially not to Marshall or Ted…_or Robin._

You could get rid of those weird _feelings _and everything could go back to normal.

* * *

Stupid feelings.

You were thinking of labelling them "Ted Mosby Syndromes," because it seemed a lot more fitting.

And you'd laughed when Ted had told you that he thought he was in love with Robin after their first date. Little did you know at the time that it really was a disease. Well, if you were going to rename the word 'feelings,' then you would also put a name to these Robin-type Ted Mosby Syndromes you were having. The disease was that respectable, awesome men felt these sorts of Ted Mosby Syndromes towards a certain Canadian ex-hockey playing, ex-teen pop star.

Maybe "The Sparkle Disorder" or "The Scherbatsky Reflex."

And the thing with The Sparkle Disorder; there was no known cure.

You're now being overruled by Ted Mosby Syndromes, to the point where, after Robin announced she was leaving for Japan to take a job there, you had to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and cool down. So what if the woman of your dreams (literally) is going to work – and live – in Japan? If anything, this is your perfect opportunity to cure the Sparkle Disorder once and for all.

* * *

The familiar tune of "Let's Go to the Mall" rings from your cell phone in your pocket – yeah, that's right, you made it a ring tone - and you answer it slowly, like you don't really know or care who's on the other side – even though you _do_ know who it is, and you kind of _do_ care.

"Go for Barney."

"Barney; it's Robin."

"Oh hey Robin!" you act all surprised, playing it cool as per usu. "What up?"

"What up?! Dude, I have four missed calls from you. Is something going on, or did you just want to bug me? You know I've only been in Japan for, like a week."

"Two weeks," you accidentally squeak.

"What?" she asks, obviously not having heard the inaudible words.

"I said that can't be right! Four missed calls? Please, Robin. Uh, my phone must have accidentally called yours by accident. Haha. Isn't that queer?!" You say, words smushing into each other – since when has lying been so goddamned hard? It used to come so naturally to you.

"Since when do you use the word 'queer?'" Robin asked amusedly.

"Uh, since, like last week. You never read my blog, do you?"

"No," she answers seriously. "Look Barney, I'd better be going, we're setting up for the bulletin, so…"

"Oh, yeah, sure. I have to go as well, lots of work to do. I'll talk to you some other time…yeah, okay. Bye," you say, hanging up before she can say anything more. You rest your head against the desk for a moment.

Four calls? Really? That's like, four past pathetic. You take the phone still sitting on the desk and call Ted.

"Ted! Barney Stinson."

"I know it's you Barney, I have caller ID… and why are you using your full name?"

"MacLaren's Bar, did you say? Lucky for you, it looks as if my evening's free," you say ignoring Ted's question and moving on – straight to the point.

"Barney, I never said…"

"You'll be there by nine? That's great! Well, if you insist I'll meet you there, Ted. No need to use force, now."

He could hear Ted's chuckle on the other end of the line, "What is up with you, did you start drinking early or something?"

"So you'll be there?"

"…Fine."

"Awesome. And don't forget to suit up!"

Gotta keep that bpeg folder stocked up while the cure for the Sparkles Disorder is still within reach.

* * *

You decided a very long time ago that weddings were overrated and stupid. Nothing's changed since you made those initial decisions. And even though wedding's suck usually on principle; Ted's wedding sucks at _least_ five times more than regular weddings.

Claudia and Stuart's wedding, that was okay – you hooked up with the second hottest bridesmaid, and the food was good. Lily and Marshall's wedding was better. James' wedding was good as well.

Ted's wedding sucks.

Firstly; there's no booze. Secondly; there's no booze!! You don't do weddings and even you know that no good can come of a marriage if there's no alcohol at the wedding! Thirdly; the food sucks. Fourthly; some psycho sex-deprived yoga instructor has decided to latch herself onto you indefinitely and Fifthly; your plan to sleep with Robin (hopefully ending the Sparkle Disorder once and for all) has just been shot to pieces, completely ruined when she just caught you with your pants down with some hippy chick from the front desk.

Sixthly; you couldn't stop thinking about the look on Robin's face when she saw you with your pants down - to the point where you felt so guilty that you couldn't even go through with riding the tricycle, kicking the women out of your room before they could even ask why.

You start to wonder whether fighting the Sparkle Disorder is such a good thing. You seem to be losing Robin as a friend and that was never your intention. Your friends are the most important people in your life, and as much as you'd dearly love to get rid of these Ted Mosby Syndromes, is it really worth losing the friendship of, quite frankly, the most awesome person you know?

* * *

"You've been ignoring me," you say quietly back in the booth at MacLaren's. Lily made an escape for the bathroom, while Ted and Marshall are getting the next round from the bar. You pounce on the opportunity to talk to Robin alone. "Is it because of what happened on Shelter Island – at Ted's non-wedding?"

"What? No," Robin shakes her head dismissively. "Although that image of the girl spread out like that on the bed…that's gonna take a while to erase from the banks," Robin jokes, giving a little chuckle.

If you didn't know for a fact that Barney Stinson didn't blush, then you could swear that you just did.

"…But I mean, I'm homeless and unemployed, so that's probably got something to do with my blanketed mood – sorry if I'm ruining your awesome, or whatever," she continued.

"There's enough awesome to go around, don't you worry about that. Hey, if you need any assistance with the job-slash-home situation, I can help—"

"No, really, I'm fine," Robin insists, cutting you off.

"Where are you staying, anyway?"

"With Lily and Marshall for the time being…Ted said something about me having the spare room at his, so that could be promising…" she trailed off as Marshall and Ted came back with the drinks, a smile covering her lips as they approached; probably in place for the sympathy for Ted routine that you and everyone else have been putting on since his non-wedding.

* * *

The Ted Mosby Syndromes weren't going away. The Sparkle Disorder was truly alive and kicking; damn cramped up taxicabs and father issues that make you want to wrap your arm around her shoulders and hug her close. Damn stupid booth seats that seemed to be getting smaller every time you enter MacLaren's, and damn stupid Robin and her knack of looking hot all the time.

But most of all; damn those stupid bpegs! They weren't helping at all! Instead of storing more bpegs and erasing previous bpegs, (which were so old they should have been erased weeks – months ago…stupid brain!) Robin's breasts seemed to be embedded in the memory, and the benchmark of all the other bpegs. No matter how nice the boobs, there was always something that wasn't quite right with them…

It's not an obsession – but your tapes of Robin's newscasts from Japan arrived the other day and they're _awesome_ – truly awesome. It was by far the best thing you had viewed since the original Sparkles tapes – come on, anything involving a pet monkey rates highly.

At least if anyone finds those tapes, you can defend that you paid a fair amount of money simply for the entertainment value – and definitely, most certainly, _not_ for the reporter.

You've tried everything. The Sparkle Disorder wasn't going away. If anything, it's just getting stronger. There was only one thing left to do.

* * *

"I take it back!" you say, walking straight past Lily and slumping down onto her couch before she can say "come in."

"You take what back?" she asks confusedly, taking a seat next to you on the couch, where you sit with your head in your hands.

"Bimbo's. I take it back. I don't want bimbo's; I want Robin."

You look up slowly, only to see Lily looking back at you with a surprised look on her face.

"I choose Robin."

* * *

**A/N There's a second part to this, but I'm still undecided on whether to post it or not; a comment of your thoughts on this piece may convince me to, so be sure to drop me a line. Thanks for reading!  
**


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